Woolacombe National 2004 with The Armed Forces Scooter Club
0500 I pulled up to the Red funnel ferry still not knowing what I’m really doing with only having 3 hours kip the night before but im here. Once on the boat id thought have one of those delectable breakfasts they serve but only having £200 in cash and 4 credit cards I wasn’t sure if I could afford it but sod it I thought id treat myself. Once the cholesterol had been consumed and washed down with what I was told was coffee id perked up and ready to carry out this weeks mission “WOOLACOMBE 2004” with the Armed Forces Scooter Club armed to the teeth.Once on the other side at Southampton I went firm and checked my movement orders as what was relayed by secure means by Dickie “2 coats” and carried them out meeting at our planned RV with as he’s now known Big Gaz “The over grown scooter Gnome” who was just behind me taking up tail end Charlie. We were soon joined by Dickie on his shiny PX with more mirrors than a Vidal Sassoon salon and his support wagon driven by his better half full to the brim of wife beating ale (Stella Artois) and copious amounts of varied spirits and wines. Once we had loaded up the van with all the kit it was time to set off on what was to be a vary entertaining weekend in more ways than one. The sun was out and we were making good time Dickie was leading then myself and Gaz just behind well maybe a bit more than just. We had stopped once for a brew and for those who had them set themselves alight and we then moved on when suddenly Dickie and myself realized that the overgrown scooter gnome was no longer with us. After a few sick jokes about a keg of Stella and the fact that a 1400hrs RV at wooly was now out of the question a quick phone call was made to Gaz and to our utter amazement he had broken down but was on the case and was soon of again to scrounge the use of a soldering iron to repair his HT lead, on his return we fueled up and on our way again trouble free.
1605 we entered our base for the weekend and was greeted with a smile from a nice lady who then said that will be £15.00 please, bloody great I said and then Dickie went into one explaining how he had been interfered with by his seat for 190 miles. We paid the money and booked in, all was going well until a certain Royal green jacket SNCO decided to withdraw some cash from the hole in the wall………..Well done Dickie you knob, yep your right he broke it. 1700hrs The bashers (tents) were up and the beer and Gaz’s Drambuet was flowing for what would be a good night and we had met back up with our fine Australian pair Graham and Raylene who had made the trip a day earlier. Dickie fired up the BBQ and we ate like kings sacrificing as many chickens and porkers than Bernard Mathews could ever dream of. The specials were playing at 2100 in the main hall and there was a Northern soul room right next to our pitch but never really bothered us as I’ve heard more noise out of a dead goats arse, did I say goat must have been a slip of the tongue. At about 2000hrs we made our way into the main hall well most did as I had to keep doing relays for cameras and taking parkas and Ma1’s back as it was hotter than the inside of goats…………..I mean postman’s glove in summer. Everybody by now was pretty merry with allsorts of bevies flowing so we were all ready for Rankin Roger and the “BEAT”. I had a bit of time to get a few photos and speak to a few people who were ex forces and wanted to join the club, I passed our details on and got another round in and we all cheered for the “BEAT”. Have you ever heard the phrase “it’s a long beer for a short piss?” Well I must say the wait was not really worth it not saying the Beat was bad but they didn’t have the edge they did in the 80’s so we gave them half an hour and picked up our monkeys and parrots and retired to the AFSC mess. This was great beer flowing like Niagara Falls, good banter and as usual more obscenities and sick innuendos than Dickie and me could think of to hurl at each other. Suddenly there was a huge cracking noise and our all in one chair and table combo gave way due to Dickie “2 coats” thanks Dickie as I was now wearing a Vodka and drambuet flight jacket with a hint of Old olbourne and Doritos. Big Gaz gave us some laughs that night as he sported his new head dress and looked like a 6”6 overgrown scooter gnome perched on his Dessert Phats mean machine, you had to be there to appreciate it but its in the photos below. Friday night drew to a close with the customary soldiers tales exaggerated slightly with the fizz and the mandatory girlfriend boyfriend argument (Dickie and Dee). So I staggered of to my bed when I had discovered that some invisible force had infiltrated my basher covertly and stoll my Royal Hampshire pillow and gonk bag Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh I shouted some bastards nicked my gonk bag and we all looked startled at my empty tent. Suddenly Dee said is this what’s missing Dave. I had forgot id lent it to the Auzies to keep warm, with a drunken lunge I grabbed my kit and retired to my basher, funny enough it had stopped those two arguing.
0900 Saturday we are all up and moving maybe not fast but were moving. After a good breakfast we set off to the bay to have a quick look around and get in a bit of golf before more beer is consumed. What a mistake that was, Ive never played pitch and putt before nor has Dee but big Gaz was a natural and Dickie was suspect. At the approach of the ninth the overgrown scooter gnome said £50 quid to anyone who can knock a tennis player out . As you may have guessed by now there was tennis court or courts near by, well with a single swoop 2 coats wacked the ball like never before……………….”FOUR” I shouted, he must of made a hundred yards and just missed a lady by 5 inches, the twat then said “can I have my ball back”. We rode back to the campsite and bought 3 kegs of beer and loaded up the scooters. Big gaz rode off to murder some chickens for a curry. On returning to camp the weather closed in and everyone was getting a bit wet, I myself broke down in tears and cried for my mum whilst Dickie just broke down and gaz sneaked of and robbed two Brummie lads of there gazebo………..nice one Gaz. An hour later Chopper and his wife Mandy turned up to add to our numbers and we were all eliminating the lager once again to the amusement of Mandy as the keg made a nice little rasping farty noise as it flowed into our worn glasses. The afternoon followed far to quickly into the evening and Gaz’s curry with rice and poonarny bread went down a treat (thanks gaz)and we were all getting very rat arsed by now. Chopper donned his lid and jumped into his new Lambretta wheelie bin and took it for a 10 yard sprint where he wiped out, that wasn’t bad as it went 9 yards further than his nicely restored lammy (vanboy) It’s getting late now and everything is rocking when suddenly Dickie gets this urge to invite everyman and his bike over. Not a problem as I reckon we had more round our base than the Northern soul room but for some reason the word goat popped up all the time. After this everyone who came to join us was asked “do you like goats” but sounded even funnier from Auzie graham who was sober-ish. We had to American cousins joined us who Dickie insists they drink this weird Jamaican potion that must be 105 octane. Because of this potion he inflicted up on them Dickie had to debrief the big yank fella and explain to him like only a Brit can that the women who he just made a pass at was Dickie’s girlfriend, myself and Gaz act as QRF just incase. Just before all retired for the night myself and Dickie had to administer first aid to one of the Brummie lads as he was chucking up due to a bad pint (yeah righto) we done this buy picking up cold noodles of the deck and ate them in front of him it was a miracle cure as he stopped and pissed himself, Dickie drove it into his head that he’s just been serviced by the AFSC………………..poor bloke. 0200 it was lights out for me and once again to the sounds of a couple arguing I retired.
0730 Sunday and I rise to the noise of Big gaz snoring in the basher next to me. Showered and sorted I get the breakfast kit ready and start knocking tents. At 1100hrs were packed and ready to move fuelled on baguettes and chewing gum that tasted like Deep heat. Once the scooters are gassed up were off back and ride east into a heavy mist that lasted for about 2 hours. Everything is going great until were in Wiltshire when Graham from the Australian Scooter head club decides he’s a stuntman and power slides across 2 lanes of traffic in front of a copper and totals 2 cars. Well f*** my old boots myself and Dickie are in front and had to stop at a service station, the traffic is to chocker to go back up so we sit it out and are kept up to speed by mobile. As they say down in this part of the country “well what happened was” Graham had a blow out on his rear and was catapulted across the road, the muppet behind was two close and munched the two cars. Whilst the coppers took details gaz had donned the officers hi-viz jacket and was directing traffic, that must have been a sight as the jacket would have looked like a dayglow bungie on Gaz. The good news was no one was badly hurt but I missed the chance to see a fire engine. After a breather we set of and no more dramas occurred apart from gaz overheating but we got to the FRV ok where we had one more surprise. It was like “Jason and the golden fleece” our quest was complete we had found the “shiny goat”. A great weekend was had by all and a lot of good friends made with the Armed Forces Scooter Club once again showing people how to make friends with warm hospitality.
I would like to thank Dickie and Dee for there hard work they put in on the logistical support side, Big Gaz for his never ending smiling face and culinary skills, Graham and Raylene for the stunt riding skills and welcoming me into the scooter heads club and finally to Graham Quick of scootering magazine for the CD full of stills.
Click below to return to main menu
Pictures belong to fightingdog.net and tafsc.com
